Everything is not Illuminated

I promise I will go back to writing about recipes and herbs and all of that good stuff, but for right now I am riding this wave of change…or shift? I’m not sure. When I sit down to write it is to describe mountains and beauty and the changing sky and how everything is magic. I want to dance and cry and roll around in the dirt. It’s like being a child again which in many ways is wonderful, but also a very vulnerable place to be.

I don’t quite know what to make of this new old person. I think I remember her from a lullaby my grandmother used to whisper in my ear in that raspy fading voice that I imagine angels must have. Maybe she lived in the dancing pine trees of my childhood home.  It is an ephemeral recognition and when I try to grab it it turns to dust. Was I always asleep? It is that feeling of just waking up after a bad dream. Anxious, confusing, but so happy that it was just a dream. It was just a dream!

Now I am at a fork in the road. I can choose the path of magic and meaning, but it will be hard work and at times very lonely. I can also choose to keep doing what I am doing which is more socially acceptable in many ways, but ultimately sucks your soul dry. It seems like an easy decision and it is, but the again it is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Be excellent or be mediocre and a better fit. If it was so easy then wouldn’t we all be excellent? The majority of us are not. For 24 years I have chosen easy mediocrity. I’m scared and that’s good.

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